In Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler makes this provocative statement to Scarlett as he scolds her about her need to grow up and pay attention to what a real relationship is about – like the one he wanted to have with her!
And what a powerful statement it is! It seems to be a clear testimony to the power of kissing: the power to say so much and inspire such emotion in just moments with no words at all. Most anyone who has been even momentarily in love can testify to the experience.
I read a magazine article in which a woman described what happened when she tried kissing her husband in a different way. She said she realized that kissing her husband, if she did not count the automatic “peck” in the morning, had become a relatively rare event. She gave herself the assignment to “plant a big fat one” on her husband at least once a day. While I am not exactly sure what “a big fat one” is, I imagine her husband noticed! In fact, she reported a dramatic increase in the level of their energy, fun and passion together just as a result of a “real,” but not necessarily sexual, daily kiss.
What is there about a kiss – a real kiss – that makes such a difference? This question reminds me of a conversation years ago with a man who was in the midst of a new and all-absorbing love relationship. He spoke of kissing his partner in such a way that it seemed he was able to forget everything else and just focus solely on his partner and that kiss – knowing at that moment that there was nothing in the world more important to him than that kiss.
It seems that a kiss becomes a uniquely powerful force when it is offered with no ulterior motive, no intent for it to lead to anything else, but just the pure intent of fully focusing love on the other.
How often in our lives do we enjoy even a moment of fully focused attention from the one person who means the most to us? Attachment theory teaches that the cellular-level knowing that the love and support of the other is certain and reliable, is the foundation for a healthy sense of self and the capacity to build healthy relationships. That is a need that continues throughout the lifespan. When we feel it and can be sure of it, life goes so much better in virtually every respect, compared with when we are uncertain that our special someone will really be there for us when we need them.
Thus, it is not such a surprise that taking a moment – just seconds - once a day to focus fully and completely on our partner, to let them know that for that moment, nothing is more important to us than them, would have a profound impact on our felt connection. Such a simple act seems capable of awakening energy, interest and playfulness – key components of any committed romantic relationship.
What would regular kisses like that do for your relationship?
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